Smiling Equals
by Abbi Lee
Summary: Tsuna is a self-proclaimed unnaturally shy preteen nerd who isn't really a nerd and believes the world is out to get him. The world didn't even know he existed.
1. Chapter 1

Smiling Equals… Chapter 1

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Fuck. I did it. I can't believe I really did it. Me, of all people. Really and actually did it. Why the hell did I do this again?!

Okay, panic attack coming on soon. Gotta calm the fuck down. And when did I start cursing! Holy crap! The world is going to end! I just know it! This is why people don't do things that are out of character! This is why people don't change! I'm totally freaking out here!

I sat on my couch for two hours hyperventilating, crying and pitying myself with my fingers dug into my scalp. I sat hunched over wondering what the hell would posses me to cut my hair.

Okay, I understand how hacking off your bangs wouldn't be such a big deal unless you're like really serious about that kind of stuff, which I'm not. But it's a seriously big deal when you're an unnaturally shy pre-teen nerd whose been hiding behind their bangs since they were five!

It's an effing catastrophe!

I glared accusingly at the scissors in my hands.

It's their fault! Okay, not really. But who the hell left a pair of scissors 'conveniently' on the coffee table so just when I come home from a day of patheticness and being ignored and filled with a stupid desire to change and be something more than the no good idiot that I am- I don't even know why I referred to myself as a nerd when I'm failing all my classes!

Okay. I'm crying now, no, weeping actually.

Of course it was me who left the scissors there. Who else could have done it? My dad's MIA and my mom went AWOL a long time ago, and not because they're in the military. It's not like they'll suddenly come back to this crappy house and leave a damn pair of scissors of all things as a fucking clue that they actually, god forbid, give a fuck about their only son. If I actually am. Who knows how many side families they have? Especially that bastard father of mine.

Ugh. Damnit, I gotta calm down. I collapsed into the couch while tightly gripping the scissors.

I remember. I've been debating about this for months, about changing myself, and I figured the fastest and easiest way would be to cut my bangs. Since I gave up on studying and being social a long time ago. I… just couldn't. Remembering how I would stare forever at my reflection, holding the scissors just a breath away from my hair. Slowly squeezing 'til I saw that one strand fall, before literally throwing the scissors and running away in fear. God I suck.

The me being the idiot that I am must have ran to my room, hyperventilated a bit, before noticing I was literally five minutes away from having my ass handed to me cause the Disciplinary Committee would come and there was still proof of my existence in the house. So I went back to the bathroom and cleaned up. Cleaned up as in grabbed the scissors and drop them on the coffee table, for who knows what reason, and made myself scarce.

Apparently, I've skipped school so much that members of the disciplinary committee personally come to pick me up (kick my ass) and escort me to school.

When I had came home in all my worthless little glory I had looked around and saw the emptiness of the house. I just felt so angry, and the scissors were just lying there I just-

I sighed. I guess I should just be happy I didn't stab myself or take it out on this ratty old couch that is really comfortable right now or something even more drastic.

Slowly I lift my hand, letting my fingers flutter over what's left of my bangs. I can see better now, that's for sure, and I don't have to squint or fight the need to push my bangs back just to see even a little bit better. But I just can't believe that I'd hack away like that. I'm glad I had enough self control before I had cut my nose off or something.

Thirteen years of a shitty life, I sighed tiredly, and my first act of rebellion against myself was caused by the anger I've been trying so hard to hold in.

What's done is done, but… did anything even change? I'm still an idiot, I'm still a loser, and I still can't do anything that could possibly defy my apparently permanent no good status. No future goal or ambitions. I'm a nothing and always will be. I know this and no amount of a hair cut is going to change this. I sighed again, the revelation killing off any hope I could've possibly had for myself.

I shake my head seeing strands of brown hairs fall free. I decide, finally sitting up and actually looking at the floor, I should clean this mess up. I mean, if I don't then who will? All I got to keep me alive is some mysterious cash that shows up in my mail box every month from the same person who pays the bills for the house. The letters sent to me says it's from my granddad but since I'm seriously doubtful and don't remember ever meeting a grandpa who is actually still alive from either side of the family, I figured that it's just some pedo who gets off from helping little boys. I never reply to the letters 'cause my life is shitty enough without getting kidnapped and raped.

I saved up all the money I could under my mattress 'cause who knows when I'm too old to be pedo'd on. Probably when I become an adult or something. I just hope the guy doesn't suddenly bang the door down demanding his money back because of how impossible it is for me to stay a child forever, but knowing my luck he probably will and high chances he'll even be a yakuza.

I've been left alone in this house long enough, after my mother went officially AWOL, to learn that cleaning is a lot easier then living in a filthy house and risking injury on already throbbing bruises.

So I take the broom and the dust pan, swept up all the hair, and saluted a final goodbye to my forever lost follicles. Hey, I have the right to act stupid in my own house, not like anyone can see me. I sighed.

Hesitating for a moment I decide, well I might as well go and see the damage. I'm gonna have to live with it after all until my hair grows back, which unfortunately for me, will take a long time 'cause I've never cut my hair before and my bangs only reached the tip of my nose. All my other hair ended up defying gravity in one way or another. Though hanging my head down low did leave the impression that they were longer.

One trip up the stairs and another through the correct door 'cause I'm still stupid enough to occasionally get lost in the same house I've been living in since I was born. I looked at my reflection.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit-

I can see my face! Holy shit! I have brown eyes!

Yeah, I've might've mentioned earlier that I've been hiding a good portion of my face for the majority of my life. And you know that whole, if I can't see me then you can't see me proverb that is most likely wrong and might not even be a proverb since I don't know what a proverb is, but since every person in the world intimidates me, I had no problem following it.

So this is my actual face, clearly and completely visible. Shit. I traced the curve of my cheek, the bridge of my nose, and lightly flicked my eyelashes. The reflection copied all of this perfectly.

What the hell was I thinking?! No! I wasn't thinking! Why the hell wasn't I?! Why did I even consider this in the first place?! I can actually see my face! My unnaturally huge bug eyes and everything with it! And I'm actually… paling? Crap, I'm freaking out so bad that my already pale skin decided to turn even lighter! Ugh! Fuck my life!

No… this is my fault. I hunched over, leaning on top of the sink with my head hanging pathetically, bumping the mirror.

I'm so stupid. I squeeze the tears out of my eyes, scrunching up my face.

Well, maybe it's not that bad. I mean, I'm an ignored existence at school. Even to the point that all the bullies forgot me. Who would even notice? Well, actually no one would. Why am I even freaking out about this anyway? No one knows my name, not even the teachers. My no good nickname was forgotten in elementary school and so was everything else relating to me. A complete and utter nobody. The only reason I go is for attendance, that I check myself since the homeroom teacher always skipped over it. I could leave anytime I wanted as long as the D.C. didn't see me who for some reason had a freaking radar on me. Obviously I would be noticed only by the people who I didn't want to be seen by the most.

I sighed, relieved this time. It's no big deal. It's normal for people faces to show, I'm no different. If I keep my head down and keep my eyes squinted no one would take notice of my pathetic little face. I thought on this. My mother was a beautiful woman and if what I remember of my dad is right, he was actually handsome when he wasn't drunk off his ass so how did that combination end up with this. I've got rid of all the pictures in the house 'cause they'd just make my chest hurt, so I can't really go back and check.

I take another look at myself. Maybe I can wear a mask or something. I sighed and shook my head this time. Even someone like me can see the obvious stupidity in that idea.

I felt like I should at least fix my bangs, not that I really believe that I can or anything and nobodies even gonna notice if I don't. But the big chop left them all uneven and it's not like I can make them worse. My face is already visible to the public and an inch shorter really wouldn't make a difference.

I make angular cuts in an attempt to match the rest of my spiky hair and I flushed away the lost strands. Looking in the mirror I think, yep, can't get any worse.


	2. Chapter 2

Smiling Equals... Chapter 2

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Oh. My. God. Everyone noticed.

Well congratulations me! It seems that another idea of yours was wrong, no surprise there, and now you're the absolute mockery of the school! Whoop-de-doo.

Since the moment I've stepped on school grounds I swear every fucking pair of eyes has been glued on me. And this is not me being paranoid 'cause not only are they staring; they're pointing and whispering too.

They're whispering really loud actually, and it's freaking me out! I can hear it but I can't even understand it. I keep my head bowed and eyes squinted as I try to walk as calmly down the hall as possible. I've got a death grip on one shoulder strap and my other arm hangs limply at my side. Needless to say, I'm cursing up a storm in my head. A habit I seemed to pick up in one day.

Why the hell are they so interested in me!

"Hey!" I snapped out of it.

Before I realized it I'm seven doors past my classroom and there's a girl standing in front of me. Maybe she's normal, talking through me and ignoring my existence like the rest of the population should. Finally, someone who'll just leave me alone.

"Hello~ I'm talking to you here."

Well, I stand corrected… The fuck! Okay, I have got to try to stop cursing. But… could she… is she actually talking… to me? A hundred percent freaking out now.

It's the first time someone ever actually spoke to me, not at me, without hitting me first. Well, besides my parents I guess.

Considering that she's still standing there, I'm supposed to be doing something. My first thought was to question why anyone would talk to me. My second thought told me this was obviously a trap. Well, I might as well get this over with seeing as I've got no one left to blame but myself and my stupidity. My instincts however were telling me to high tail it out of here and never look back. Unfortunately with all the people who had literally stopped and stare, and who were undoubtedly the bullies in this trap that would be slamming my head into the concrete until they freaked out from all the blood and run away, which has happened before and all I got was a depressed sigh from my mom, my chances of escape equaled my running skills which were both zero. But there's always that window…

So I did only what I could do. Take in a slow breath through the nostrils and make eye contact while waiting for her nails to scratch something permanently of my face.

Seeing that I had finally given her my attention, though I was literally shaking where I stood, the she devil decided that now would be a good time as any to flash me a perfectly cute and perfectly practiced smile.

So it's that kind of trap. I sneered in my mind.

I know what a practiced smile looked like. I've done it so many times before. Even as a kid I would smile in the mirror over and over, crying at each and every failure. But she just does it, so easily…

I remember seeing all the other kids and how they were always smiling, always laughing. I thought there was something wrong with me. I just can't smile like that no matter how much I tried. Over and over, again and again, If I'd just worked harder at it then… I don't know then. Be one of them maybe. Looking at the girl I thought, no, that's not it. I wanted to be happy. Smiling equaled friends and friends equaled happiness. I sighed.

Even back then I was an idiot.

"Hm? Is something wrong?" The girl asked, tilting her head to the side and faking concern.

Yeah, actually there is. There's this annoyingly obnoxious girl standing in front of me trying to trick me into being her friend or worse, fall in love with her, only to be stabbed in the back, most likely literally.

I said nothing.

"Eh, well um okay. Well my name's Sasagawa Kyoko!" She finished off cheerfully.

"I've never seen you before so you're new right? You must have just move to town, right?"

Eh… she doesn't know me? Well obviously, but she thinks I'm a new student? I've been living in this town my entire life! No, wait, this isn't something to get upset about. I already knew how it was, but really? Maybe she's lying or maybe she's just sizing up the new kid to see how easy he is. Either was this is a trap. I'll always be on the losing end.

I know she's waiting for an answer and all but… I really can't respond. I'm still the unnaturally shy loser who I've always been. Easily spooked and extremely nervous. When I was younger I would scream at absolutely everything. I was a pathetic kid then and I still am now. But at least I broke that habit after becoming aware of the looks mom would give me.

Either way, this situation is way too overwhelming for my tiny brain. And I really don't want to, okay maybe a little, throw up all over this girl and get the D.C. on my back for dirtying their halls.

So I leave. In other words I turned around and walked away. What else was I supposed to do! I'm an idiot so I figured that ending this charade would save me from the torture of socializing with the enemy. Even if she yanks my hair and slams my face through a window, at least I get to skip class. I don't want to prolong this shit any longer. So I left. All I got was a wait up and then I was gone. I should've just skipped. I thought to myself as the whispers got louder.


	3. Chapter 3

Smiling Equals... Chapter 3

/

"So, what do you need?"

I was in shock. For one, the nurse, actually talked to me. No, not like before with that girl. It's just that the nurse was one of the only people who were even mildly aware of my existence. I would come nearly every day back in the beginning of the year. So much to the point where she had forcibly taught me, meaning I either learned or got banned forever, how to bandage my own wounds. I still suck at it but I know enough to not get infected or make it worse.

Now whenever I come to the nurse's office she would just look passively at me, grunt, and toss me the key to the medicine cabinet. I always failed to catch them to her annoyance.

I had came here knowing that I could sleep the rest of the school day away and avoid the whispers. The nurse never stopped me even if I wasn't injured, though sometimes she would forget me and I would be locked in for the night.

But right now she just asked a perfectly normal question for someone who had just walked into the clinic.

"I haven't seen you around before, you new? How unlucky, getting injured on your first day. Or maybe your just tired, haha, yeah it can be exhausting going to a new school and all." She smiled.

It's a trap! My mind screamed. But no, she's sincere. But… what would I know. I'm stupid and an idiot so how would I be able to tell. It's not like I haven't fallen for this before. But twice in a row on the same day. Somebody must really hate me up there if I'm getting all this.

At my silence the nurse switches tactics "Oh? Are you shy? Well come on in, I don't bite. Why don't you tell me your name?"

My throat stops up.

My name? The second I tell you your face will just melt into a look of indifference, won't it?

I stare at her as she waits patiently for me to open up.

I hate this.

Seeing just how insignificant my existence really is and how people act when they don't know and can actually see me. I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it!

Fuck them, fuck them all and this damn school! They just keep hurting me over and over like I'm they're favorite toy! Why is it just me!? I didn't do anything. I grounded out in my head. I swear this entire fucking world hates me. I mean, it can't be natural for a person to be born as useless as me! It's so unfair.

When I was a kid the world would take. As I grew up there was nothing else to take so I was used. Now I'm all used up and guess what the world did with me! It threw me away! Took, used, then threw me away like the trash I am! This goddamn world. I HATE IT!

I couldn't breathe.

I panicked.

Bringing my hand to my throat I try to convey my urgency, why to her, I don't know. But that nurse, the idiot, misunderstood of all things.

"Oh! So you can't speak! Alright, give me a sec."

The fuck! Since when did hand on neck mean you couldn't speak?! It's the universal sign for choking isn't it?!

The nurse spun her rolling chair around back to her desk. With her back turned to me I couldn't see what she was doing though I did hear some fumbling. That was really the least of my concerns as my eyesight started to strain.

She turned around with a broad smile on her face. She was holding a yellow sticky pad and a pen.

"Okay then, you can keep the pad and the pen." The said handing them over, my grip tight on them.

"So can you tell me your name now?"

My blood froze. My body is ice cold and all train of thought I had on my breathing problem stopped. I heard those words again

'I'm still an idiot, I'm still a loser, I still can't do anything that could possibly defy my apparently permanent no good status. No future goal or ambitions. I'm a nothing and always will be. I know this and no amount of a hair cut is going to change this.'

Then I'm burning.

What's with this flame inside me? It's small and blinks in and out of focus. A small flame that was ignited by desperation. A violent desperation to change. No… that flame should have died already. After so many failures, it must have died. But then, what is this? This small flame in the pit of my stomach, it's small but its burning me alive. So hot.

Ah, I get it. It's hope. My grip loosens. I get it. There's still a part of me that's still hoping. Change equals smiles, smiles equal friends, and friends equal happiness. It's changed.

The pen taps the paper. Ink stains the page.

I'll show myself.

I make a stroke. That there's no such thing left for me.

I write calmly and the characters quickly come together.

I'm such a fool, even to the core.

I stop writing.

I'll crush that flame.

I hand her the pad and she smiles.

Into nothing.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi." She reads, still smiling.

And the flame explodes.


	4. Chapter 4

Smiling Equals... Chapter 4

/

"Welcome to Namimori Chuugaku Tsunayoshi-kun." She hands me back the sticky pad.

"I'll just assume that you're not here for medical attention and you're actually lost." She winks.

"So I'll just ask you some questions and get you to where you need to go, alright?" I nod.

"Do you know what class you're supposed to be in?" I nod and write it down.

"That's great." She reads the note.

"Hm? You must've passed the classroom on the way here." She laughs a bit.

Standing up she grabs her white lab coat, quickly tying it around her waist. She walks pass me, heels clicking.

She opens the sliding door.

"Well, come on." She smiles, beckoning me over.

I can't move.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi-kun?"

And my whole world comes crashing down.

She knows!

She knows… my name… and it means absolutely nothing. Fuck my life.

I'm hopeless aren't I?

I'm stupid, and useless, and an idiot, and-

I don't know how to swim and I can't even ride a simple bike.

I fail at everything I do.

I can't even understand what's happening right now.

Well, that's not so unusual.

But this is different. Something is actually happening.

There's a change.

Before I know it I'm through the door and walking down an empty hallway with the nurse in front of me.

I hate it.

It's heavy and suffocating. I'm burning and I feel like dying. I can't see what's gonna happen next. I'm lost and confused… and it feels...


	5. Chapter 5

Smiling Equals... 5

/

I've seen this exact same group of people every day. This is the first time they've seen me.

It's weird.

The nurse is standing next to me, explaining to the class how I'm mute and that they should be considerate and patient with me. The homeroom teacher is giving me an appraising look, determining my worth in a single glance. The class itself is just staring, somewhat indifferent, and somewhat curious.

It's weird, how I just noticed that I don't even know anybody's name. Not the nurse's, not the teacher's, and not my classmates. And they don't know mine.

"Please be kind to Sawada Tsunayoshi from now on." Until now that is.

What the fuck is this?

A few minutes ago I had been led to the same classroom that I've been going to since the beginning of the year. I was introduced by the nurse as the new kid that the teacher didn't know about. It was blamed on administration. The teacher, looking over the roster, found my name, Sawada Tsunayoshi and it was agreed that I was indeed a new kid and in the right class. The teacher sent a runner to the main office to ask for my class schedule while I was being introduced.

And now here we are. Me feeling totally mind fucked and trying my absolute best not to show it by pretending really hard that all the shit in my life is just a terrible, terrible dream. A trick I learned from my mother and that being the only thing I learned from her. I did have a bit of a mental breakdown when I realized that introduction just meant twenty questions so the student population can decide if your worthy of being a punching bag or not.

If my life was fucked up before, I don't even want to know what it is know.

Regardless of my own wants the round of questions started with the nurse as my go between. Meaning I wrote down the answers, showed it to the nurse, and she'll say it out loud for the whole world to hear.

Fuck it, I'm not doing it.

Question after stupid question from the class that had more than half a year to get to know me. I ignored them all. Staring at the window, leaning on the board. This was my silent protest, stupid as that sounds. If I didn't exist to them, then they didn't exist to me. I ignored them, it felt good. Listening to them repeatedly call for my attention while knowing the whole time that I wouldn't give it to them.

One boy suggested that not only was I mute but I was also deaf. I'm sure the nurse would consider it, not hesitating to make me more pitiful than I already am. I don't want to add another disability to myself so I steeled my nerves. Turning my head and looking him straight in the eye, the second time in my life I've done this, I mouthed "No I am not." to him. Before looking back to the window. The class was silent then, but I still hoped I was understood, or I would've just looked stupid with my mouth opening and closing like that.

On the inside I was a mess and completely freaking out.

The teacher coughed. "Alright class, that's enough for now. Sawada-san, you can have that seat right there." He pointed to my old seat. "No one sits there anyway." he commented off handedly.

That bastard, he knew damn well that I sat there. But of course, looking back at the class, no one gave a damn. Especially not about a nobody. I take my time walking to my new and old seat. Feeling the eyes of my classmates, I ignore them.

The boy who had questioned my ability to hear, discreetly sticks his legs out, everyone noticed.

Closing my eyes for a second, I decide, I have this chance for some reason. Already I changed. My anger is making me stronger, strong enough to endure the eyes of the people who wanted nothing but to hurt me. I made an effort, unwillingly and unintentionally. I even resisted it in the end, but I couldn't stop it.

I'm calm. I'm angry. I've given up. But I'm resolved. How could ii make such a change so fast? It must be that flame.

I opened my eyes; his foot is right in front of me.

"Ouch!" He cries, jumping out of his seat, the whole class laughed.

I glanced then looked away, taking my seat. I've made a decision. I still have no hope for myself. I'm nothing and I'll always will be. I won't fool myself into thinking otherwise. But… I don't want to make the same mistake all over again. If I wake up tomorrow and if this was all a dream, I'll kill myself. If this is all real, then, I don't know then. I doubt I'll become smarter and sooner or later I'll just revert back to my old self. But, I don't ever want to feel that humiliation again. Humiliation from suffering for so long, so quietly.

My anger makes me strong, but right now, I feel unbeatable.


	6. Chapter 6

Smiling Equals... Chapter 6

/

I'm an idiot. I really should have known better. I swear if I make it through this alive I'll use those scissors and finish myself off for good.

Four D.C. members were standing right outside my house. The second I saw them, all that confidence I had went down the drain. I had went to school posing as a new student, that has gotta be against the rules or something right? I was gonna get beaten up, the D.C. would tell the teacher, the teacher will tell the class, and then the whole school will know. Then I'll be beaten up for the rest of my life.

Well... not if I go through with my promise.

I could even feel my face doing that whole getting lighter thing. Turning cold and feeling like it's full of cotton.

I'm such an idiot.

I should've just skipped school.

Usually the second I see black jacket, red armband, and stu- weird hair, I run. This time I didn't have the option. They saw me first.

I was frozen where I stood, so they walked to me.

How did they know I was even heading home!? After the whole introduction thing I had skipped the rest of school and left… shit! They know and now I'm gonna get an even worse beating!

"Sawada Tsunayoshi?" I nod. "We are members of Namimori Chuugaku's disciplinary committee."

I know, and now your gonna kick my ass right?

"We have some questions regarding you and the previous owner of that house." He points behind him.

Previous owner? They mean dad? Shit, what the fuck did he do!?

"You live here right?" He gestures again to the house and I nod.

"Please write down your answers to avoid misunderstandings." My hands go to the sticky pad in my pocket and the pen. Damn, so this whole muteness thing has already spread this far.

"Do you know or are you in anyway related to the previous inhabitant of this house?"

My blood says yes but my mind screamed, deny, deny, deny! Listening to the louder voice I wrote no. Who'd want to be associated to that dead beat anyway?

He nods to the three others behind him.

Crap, did I just get caught?

"You have been registered in the school from the beginning of the school year, and have been recorded in attendance infrequently during the first two months but have shown some stability afterwards. Today is the first day you have been seen on school grounds. Can you explain this?"

No, actually I can't.

They already know how I was skipping and that now the only reason I continue to go is to avoid a beating that would result in me going to school anyway. But I seriously don't have a clue why I'm suddenly noticed. I was gonna shrug but I remembered the pad in my hand.

I don't know.

He gave the rest of his group a look and some head nods.

"Thank you for your time, Sawada-san, since it was your first offence we'll leave with a warning. Be aware that if you skip school or break the rules again, there will be consequences. Welcome to Namimori and please enjoy your time at Nami-Chu for the duration of your enrollment." He handed me a pocket hand book. They bowed and left.

…What?


	7. Chapter 7

Smiling Equals... Chapter 7

/

The moment the door closed I had collapsed. Breathing heavily, I hunched over, digging my fingers into my scalp.

They don't know. No one knows. I was nothing, absolutely nothing.

What the fuck is this?! Are they serious?! This has to be a joke! Like haha we really got that Sawada kid right?! There's just no way, no way that my entire life up until now has been…

They can't do this! They can't just deny me like that! I was there! I was always right there! I'm not fucking invisible! I'm not a ghost or some shit like that! So why the hell is this even happening! I'm alive! I've always been alive! That's enough isn't it?! I was born human so I should be seen as one, right?!

God, this suck.

I wheezed, coughing up my tears. I sobbed loud and hard.

Screw God.

Stumbling out of the foyer and into the living room, I fell onto the coffee table.

I heaved. Can't breathe. Can't breathe!

I was gonna puke.

Dragging myself across the floor, coughing and sputtering, leaving my fluids everywhere.

I made it to the toilet.

I puked up everything, which was nothing, since I didn't have breakfast or dinner the night before.

I hacked up vile and acid.

This can't be real.

Struggling to stand up I used the sink counter for support. My hand bumps something.

The scissors.

I quickly snatched them up, pointing the blades to my throat.

There's no way it is.

I froze. My eyes met my eyes, caught in the mirrors reflection.

That's right, my bangs. I released one hand to sweep my changed fringe.

And my eyes, wide open and muddy brown. Bright red whites.

This… can't be real.

I've never laughed so hard in my life.

I don't want to think anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

Smiling Equals... Chapter 8

/

Dear Tsunayoshi,

Do not give up.

Sincerely, Grandfather

My brows scrunched up.

I had given up a long time ago.

I opened today's mail.

Dear Tsunayoshi,

Continue to move forward.

Sincerely, Grandfather

I shook my head. Stupid old man, there's no forward to go to in the first place.

Short and perfect print as always.

Random and useless advice as always.

I had first started getting these letters immediately after mom's disappearance. Of course I was a paranoid wreck and assumed that these letters and her disappearance were somehow connected. I was too afraid to even leave the house back then. Nearly starved to death. But I moved on, realizing that it didn't matter how or why she disappeared, and these letters were the only proof of my existence now that she was gone. No one could see me then and these letters had let me know that I did actually exist even if it was only in the eyes of a pedo.

But I don't need them anymore. I haven't needed them for a long time.

I woke up this morning stiff on the cold tile floors. My first thought, damn, I left the bathroom light on.

I wasn't confused about how I ended up sleeping there that night. I had cried and laughed myself to sleep, somewhat choking a bit in the process. My eyes were gummy and I took my time picking away enough eye buggers to crack them open. Getting my nonexistent muscles to move was a struggle but I managed to stand somewhat upright.

Looking in the mirror, I saw a mess. Dried snot and tear streaks, my hair was more tangled than it's ever been. My eyes puffy and blood shot and this was just my face. Not mentioning the awkward position I had to keep my arms, neck, and back because of the stiffness and the way my school clothes looked, I was sure I stinked. I would've known for sure if my nose wasn't so clogged up.

I took a hot shower and smothered my hair down with my hands.

The only real surprise that morning was that I woke up five hours earlier than I should have, an extra hour if you counted what time I really got up at.

I had too much time on my hands and the thoughts I was trying to avoid were starting to rise up.

I cleaned. I flushed the toilet, still seeing puke in the bowl, then scrubbing it spotless. Moved to the front door, picking up my bag anything else that was down there and shouldn't be, then headed upstairs to my room to drop them off. I did skim through the hand book I was given just to see just how many rules I've broken. Surprisingly few and that's just because of how many rules there actually were. But the rules I did break seemed to be the major ones and not a part of the made up crap. I really doubt anyone would care if you bought two milk cartons from the cafeteria instead of one. Though, the only time I've actually broken and entered the school was once, and that was to get away from mom. She was having another one of her moments.

I fixed my bed, then left. There wasn't much to do on there since I didn't have anything else besides a desk I didn't use and a short table. I did used to have a book case, but all that thing did was collect dust.

I put in a new load of laundry and folded the ones that were in the dryer. It wasn't much since I'm the only one who lives in this house so the clothes never really pile up.

Did the dishes, cleaned the sink, wiped down the counters, opened the empty fridge, closed the empty fridge, opened it again and seeing it still empty, I scrubbed it out. Mostly dust since I don't put anything in there that could spill or leak. The ramen bowls and noodles take up all the cabinet space. Just because I somewhat clean doesn't mean I can cook, I suck terribly at it actually. So I obviously limited the whole cooking experience to a onetime thing only. I didn't want to waste the money I did have on fire damages. Besides, the noodles did taste good, and if I wanted snacks there's a convenience store nearby. I could walk.

I moved around the furniture in the living room so I could sweep under them. The couch was ratty and old, the only thing that didn't match the rest of the house. I've tried to get rid of it but it takes forever to carry and it won't fit through the front door. There used to have a normal green couch but it was pawned off some time ago, along with the TV. Mom kept passing out in the living room so I got this couch for her from some weird guy off the street, in return I gave him a pack of beer, so I wouldn't have to keep lugging her body to the upstairs bedroom. I still had the TV stand and the coffee table, but that made up the majority of the living room. Well, there's also the ceiling fan and lights. I swept up the rest of the house then mopped just the kitchen and bathrooms.

It had only just turned light outside. I could see the sun brightening the sky from navy blue to a much lighter shade outside the window.

I frowned a bit. I wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not, cause this meant I was running out of time but also that I could leave soon and focus my mind on surviving school. I don't like to stay in this house for longer than I have to. So I cleaned the outside of the house too. Swept the porch, wiped the windows and knocked down some spider webs (only the ones without spiders or bugs in them), I stared at the peeling paint for a good fifteen minutes wondering if I should go out this afternoon to buy some more to paint it over with. Maybe blue? I eventually decided against it. I'm not Picasso and there's no way I can carry paint cans all the way from the store to home. I don't even have a ladder. Or a paint brush for that matter.

Holding my dust rag, I wiped my brow.

I was exhausted, but at the same time I didn't feel tired. I felt like I had to do more. But seeing the height of the sun, I knew I had to get ready for school. I don't want to go to that place. But I can't stay here. I was already warned about skipping and I knew full well what consequences meant.

From my porch I could see D.C. members patrolling, or more like searching the neighborhood. They were looking into trash cans, rustling bushes, looking up trees, and between houses. I could even see them knock on doors and talk to the neighbors while pointing to my house, only to see the neighbors shake their heads no. They're looking for me I guess. Well, they'll never find me since I'm right here. I sighed. They'll forget soon, they all do.

So on that thought I checked my mailbox already knowing what would be in there. One from yesterday and another for today. The mail people always ran early. I wish they didn't.

I read them for the first time in a long time. I had stopped reading them after I noticed the pattern of complete randomness and uselessness that came with each letter. The only reason I even check my mail box anymore is to stop them from piling up, which does happen fast since there's a new one every day. Littering in Namimori is a crime worth getting a beating for, and a full mail box can't hold paper. I think I was actually hoping the letters would, I don't know, help? But they obviously didn't. I really don't know what else I was expecting. Sigh. Stupid me.

I went back in the house, tore up the letters, and threw them in the trash. Only later to collapse on the couch.

It really was comfortable.

I need to get going. Gotta go. For attendance and shit.

I don't want to. It's painful.

It doesn't matter what I want. It never has.

But does it matter if I go?

No, it doesn't.

My existence is absolutely worthless.

I already knew that, but it was surprising to know that I was literally less than air.

But is it really?

I mean it being a surprise and all. Thinking back on it, I should have realized it sooner. I knew I was nothing, but I didn't really understand it.

I sighed.

Well it seems that I'm still a nobody now. But a new nobody. No, I don't want to think about this. I'm mentally and physically exhausted already and I still have to go to school. Actually noticed now.

How have I not dropped out by now? My grades are flat out zeros but I still managed to move on to the next grade. That and I should've just stopped going all together. There's no reason to go besides the fact that I'll be bored all day if I just wandered around town, no never mind, I'm still bored all day even at school.

Why haven't I just quit?

I felt the pulsing heat in my stomach suddenly get warmer.

Oh, that's right, the flame, the hope.

School equals friends which equal smiles which equals happiness.

I haven't made a single friend in my entire life so why do I still believe in this?

Oh, that's right, I'm a stupid idiot.

Shaking my head once more, I got up.


	9. Chapter 9

Smiling Equals... Chapter 9

/

"Sawada Tsunayoshi! WAKE UP!"

I ignored everything. I want to float. Just get through life and die a painless death. Most likely at my own hands. Hopefully with my own hands. I just want that one thing to be taken of my own will, not anyone else's. I want at least this bit of power over myself.

A stupid dream really, but it's all I have left. There isn't anything else to dream about. There are a lot of things that I just can't do. Living peacefully and successfully is one of them. So the goal, make it to at least twenty. I want to see where this life is gonna go first. It's going nowhere but I'm still curious. I'll be flat out broke, homeless, and living off the trash of the earth but at least no one would bother me. I'll have nothing.

I just want to disconnect from everything.

Float.

"Sawada!"

But idiots aren't allowed to dream.

I looked up at his angry face. Small eyes, big nose. He's probably stabbing me over and over in his mind, or just slapping me silly while cursing me out. He's still a teacher; he'll have to bribe his student to do those things for him. Not like it'll cost him much.

"Sawada! You have no right to sleep in my class! New student or not!"

This was my third hour. I'm still sleepy after snoozing away in homeroom, first, and second, but that's probably because the teachers kept waking me up and chewing me out.

So annoying.

"Get that disrespectful look off your face! You will abide by the rules or you will leave this classroom!"

He was spitting. Gross.

To his credit, he's the only teacher who gave me the option. Even if it was just because he couldn't stand me. I guess he wanted to keep his job more than killing pathetic little me, but then again, I'm not worth anything. I stood up. Walking around him and only half way to the door, I was stopped. His hand gripping tightly on my shoulder. It hurt.

"Where do you think you're going?!"

I scribbled quickly. Ripping off the yellow paper, I turned around and stamped the sticky note on his forehead with the palm of my hand.

Leaving

I read the messily written word just above his startled face.

He stepped back a bit and I shook him off.

It wasn't my intention but the sliding door slammed shut anyway.

"Sawada!"

I ignored it.


	10. Chapter 10

Smiling Equals... Chapter 10

/

"Tsunayoshi-kun, wake up." Someone was shaking me. "Wake up. School is already over and I need to lock up."

I shifted and she stopped.

Sitting up straight, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and nodded at her.

This whole getting noticed thing really has made everything different, I thought, thinking back on how I would wake up in a cold and dark clinic, locked in until the next morning. Sometimes even until Monday if I got locked in on the last day of the week. But it was okay since there's a toilet and plenty of water bottles and crackers. Sometimes the nurse even left some candy in the desk drawer. I would take them home even if I wasn't hungry. That's less money I needed to spend, and the crackers usually lasted for a couple of weeks since I keep forgetting to feed myself.

She walked back, sitting on her rolling chair. Red nails taping on her desk.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, sliding my body from under the thin sheets.

"Tsunayoshi-kun," I looked up at her, "You should go apologize to your teachers. You're a new student and I'm worried about the reputation you're creating with your peers. I heard you skipped yesterday. You can't be doing that, you need to attend your classes and learn. You also can't just sleep the day away in the clinic every time."

Right, you'll get in trouble for it. The teachers will report me to the D.C. and it'll be traced back to you. No one wants to get in trouble with the D.C. when they have no problems with beating people of either gender. As long as someone breaks the rule there's no holding back.

"Do you understand?"

I nodded.

She smiled, probably proud with herself for giving a supposedly life changing speech to a troubled student and changing him for the better, while saving her own ass at the same time.

I need to find another place to skip.

I grabbed my bag and left. Most likely for the last time.


	11. Chapter 11

Smiling Equals... Chapter 11

/

Cutting across the field to the back road was the easiest way to avoid the D.C. and the rest of the school population. Or at least I thought it was, but if I've been invisible this whole time, then I'm not sure if all my escape routes actually work. Well, I still have the patrol schedule to rely on.

I didn't have a choice but to memorize it. There's only so many times you can creep around a corner and bump into a D.C. before you figure out that a D.C. is gonna be in that same spot, at that same time, every single day. I just wish that it didn't take so many beatings for it to finally stick.

So I waited. I waited for the D.C. to sweep the halls and check the classrooms and bathrooms, only allowing registered club goers to stay.

I had broke the lock on one of the windows at the beginning of the year (it was an accident, kinda), and made sure it stayed broken even if it didn't look like it. So when they finished I stood up from my spot under the window and crawled myself back in. They then swept the front, back, field of the school, roof, pool, and gym before allowing the sport clubs out. Then taking their positions back in the school.

The first blow of a whistle was my cue to leave.

The D.C. head watched the front gates for anyone who left before and after clubs were out. It's obvious that I've never done a sport in my life with my scrawny arms and tiny body and I just can't sneak out with the other club goers and try to blend in, especially since someone could notice now.

So back road it is… and the fence that makes it a lot more challenging. Unless I wanted to creep around the halls and try for my other escape routes that have a higher risk of me running into a D.C. which I didn't want. Only problem, I have to go through the soccer and baseball club. Basketball and volleyball are in the gym and the swimming team is obviously at the pool.

Once again I'm reminded of how I'm not invisible and still a magnet for flying balls.


	12. Chapter 12

Smiling Equals... Chapter 13

/

I started off slow. Walking around the soccer field. There weren't any trees to hide behind, but everyone was on the field, kicking balls and doing whatever it is they do during club time. Baseball was different. Not that I actually knew what went on during the sport, but not everyone was on that diamond thing. Some were outside it, others were in it, and there was a line of people standing some ways behind the guy with the bat who was at the tip of it. I would have to walk pass that line.

Five steps in, I heard someone call my name. My response, walk faster.

"Hey! Tsunayoshi-san! Wait up!"

I heard him, I ignored him, I walked on, but he was running. I was a second away from a panic attack.

By the time he entered my field of vision, I wasn't even halfway across.

I stopped.

He slowed down and then he was standing right in front of me.

I should've ran.

"Yo!" He smiled

But then again, those long legs would have helped him catch me easily.

I nodded.

"You're checking out the clubs?" He looked at the soccer field and then to the baseball field.

I just noticed he's holding a bat.

He was probably watching out for unwanted witnesses for when he smashed my skull in. I don't get it why they always watch out to see if other people are gonna see. It's not like they'll try to stop them, they'll probably join them if anything. But I shouldn't shove my face down the horse's mouth… wrong proverb, right?

He looks back at me, huge grin plastered on his face. Ugh. I know he's gonna enjoy beating the shit out of me, but did he really have to look like he was gonna enjoy it that much?

"You can come play with us. We still got some spots open."

He jerked his thumb toward the baseball team; they were all staring at us. So this is gonna be a group event? I shook my head no. It's useless, but I should at least try to get out of this.

He didn't lose an inch of his smile.

Yeah, I'm not getting out of this.

"Haha, don't worry, if you don't know how to play I'll teach you!"

He grabbed my arm and started pulling me towards the others. Panicking now!

"Oh! My name's Yamamoto Takeshi! Nice to meet you!"

I couldn't even mentally react before we made it to his team. My throat immediately closed up, feeling suffocated from all the people surrounding me. My body tensed, waiting for the blow.

"Hey guys, this is Tsunayoshi-san! He's new, just came yesterday. He's checking out the clubs right now." He turned to a man in a jersey, "Coach, can he play a game with us?"

So it's public humiliation! They planned this! That guy is obviously gonna say yes and they'll make me do a bunch of embarrassing stuff!

"Yeah, we'll do shirts against skins. Split into two groups and shirts grab the gloves while the skins bat first. Team leaders are Takeshi and Kouga are team leaders everyone." He took a breath and added as a second thought, "This is just a practice match. I don't want to see anyone getting carried away and breaking a leg, alright?" There was a resounding yes coach from everyone else. "Takeshi, your friend can bat first." He gave out some more orders and the crowd dispersed.

"Come on Tsunayoshi-san." He dragged me up to one of those white pad things. He started to pull his white tee over his head then looking at me expectantly… oh hell no. In front of me was a guy holding a ball.

I was handed a bat.

"Akira," He pointed to the guy with the ball, "is going to throw the ball. If it swooshes past you three times, you're out. All you have to do is swish," He made a swinging motion, "and then it goes crack and whoosh and the ball goes reeeally far away. Then you run to first base, that white plate over there," He pointed to another one of those pad things, "and then you wait for someone else to swish, crack, and whoosh, then you run again until you get to home. You could get tagged out with the ball so you gotta run really fast like zoom! If three people from your team gets out, then you switch with the other team and go to the field. You use the gloves to catch the ball and tag people out. Fun, right?"

…I'm gonna die aren't I?


	13. Chapter 13

Smiling Equals... Chapter 14

/

Ugh. I had limped home. Getting run over by that guy nearly killed me.

I was sore, sweaty, and exhausted. Not only that, I was doomed. Domed to suffer this fate three times a week. That's right, I joined the baseball club. Signed the contract and everything, even had to do a thumb print. Feels like I just sold my soul to the devil. Devil baseball team anyway. That smiley guy was practically hanging over my head, threatening me to sign.

I tried to object like five times through sticky notes and head shakes but he just kept laughing over them. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it he says. You'll be a pro in no time, he says. We'd be really happy to have you, he says. Happy to see me die. I received a pair of sweat pants, I had to bring my own tee. The uniform would have to be ordered, I gotta pay for it.

Ugh! Why do things keep getting worse?!

I had messed up a gazillion times with my sucky throwing skills and inability to remember directions ten seconds I've been told them and everyone kept laughing at me! The only reason they made me play was so I could be their clown. They didn't need to make me an actual member or anything. Ugh. They're all just stupid muscle heads who wanted some free entertainment. They'll probably make me their errand boy. I don't even carry money with me so it's not like I could give them any or buy them drinks and stuff. I'll probably be the one carrying all the things. Well I won't get far with these muscles. Ha.

I want to crawl in a hole and die. Even If I am used to it, it's still humiliating. It's been five years since I've been really bullied and just like that, their attacking me again.

This suck. Fuck my life.

The second I saw my bed I dove in face first.

I'm so hungry.


	14. Chapter 14

Smiling Equals... Chapter 15

/

"Hey, Tsunayoshi-san?"

I looked over at him, tormenter number seven.

"Why don't you ever bring a lunch?"

I turned back to the window. Why can't they just leave me alone?

Two weeks have gone by. Two entire fucking weeks. My Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays all gone to this stupid torture fest they call a club. Not only do they torture me after school, but during school too. They're fucking everywhere! In all of my classes and no matter where I hide tormenter number one always find me. He's a fucking creep! Sometimes he's even waiting for me before I actually get there. That weirdo, laughing about it being a game. He's the worst!

Physical pain, I can deal with. I've built up some tolerance after the years, but this is pushing it! The soreness last for days and my legs literally caved in the second I stood up from my bed this morning. Damnit, the bullies are getting smarter. They're hurting me without leaving a single bruise and any injuries I do get would be my own fault cause I suck at sports. Of course I suck at sports; I'm Dame-Tsuna for fucks sake!

It's the coach, boss tormenter, that's really making it impossible for me. He's the effing dungeon master that keeps me locked up on that stupid field no matter how much pain I'm in. It's legal torture! Legal cause the coach is getting paid for it. He makes me work the same amount as everyone else, even though I just started. Then he makes me do even more cause of just how scrawny I am. I hate it!

I can't even skip practice because all the tormenters made it a game to see who could catch me and bring me to hell, especially tormenter number one, who it turns out, is in the majority of all my classes, including the last one. He had no trouble making it known that I was the baseball team's new clown, even if he didn't use those exact words. So whenever someone sees me after school and heading in a direction that is not the field they fucking tell on me to that guy. Snitching bitches. Then he magically appears and literally flings me over his shoulder and carries me to the field. It's so embarrassing!

Sigh.

"Maybe he's just not hungry?"

Yeah, that's always an answer huh, mister tormenter number three. It's always a good thing when your new pet is starving to death cause they realized that the money for the baseball uniform had just completely vaporized their lunch budget. Yep, no more bread and milk for this poor idiot. Do they really have to terrorize me even during lunch? Well, apparently they do. I didn't even try to escape today.

"That's not good Sawada-san! You have to eat!"

Great for you to notice tormenter number six, but what am I supposed to munch on? Air?

"Hey, you can have some of my sushi."

Instinctively I shook my head no.

I need to keep my energy and I can't be wasting it on throwing up rotten fish.

"Come on, try it. My old man is a great sushi chef. I promise you'll love it."

I turned my head towards him, tormenter number one, preparing my best glare. I noticed he does back off a bit when I do this, for whatever reason. The only reason I don't use it every time is because it becomes less effective each time I use it. Takes him longer to back off and shorter time to start annoying me again. Guess mister smiley face here isn't used to being hated, judging from all his fan crazed followers that squeal at his every move. What do all those girls like about this guy anyways? Probably cause he's just as much of a faker as they are. He's always dragging me around with him so of course I'd notice that the only time he ever really smiles is when he's torturing me. That fake sadistic bastard.

Before I could get my eyebrows to push forward my mouth was invaded. The fuck?

"Haha! Taste great right?"

I nodded slowly. Oh my god… this is good. I rarely eat sushi but nothing that I've tried has ever taste like this. Can food even taste like this?

Looking up at him, I wondered, but at what price? No way is he just giving me this heavenly food without some painful price attached to it. Maybe it's from some high class restaurant and he's gonna make me pay the bill for it since I ate it. Or maybe that delicious taste is actually artificially flavored poison. Maybe he stole it from some high ranking gangster or thug and any second now that pissed off person is gonna burst through that door and catch me munching on his fish. Can fish even taste this good? It must be some rare endangered breed and I'm gonna get blamed for killing and eating it and then I'm gonna get fined some billions of dollars, and since I can't pay it I'll go to jail for like fifty years. Or maybe there was just a hidden nail or an unnaturally sharp fish bone in the roll. Yep, that sounds about right.

"Aw don't pout, I got plenty more!"

My mouth was invaded again. Doesn't he worry about getting my dame-germs on his chopsticks? No, I suppose not, that nickname is still forgotten. They'll probably come up with another one soon if they haven't already. I'm sure that all that whispering they do has given them enough time make something up. Just please don't be something stupid like tuna fishy. I got enough of that tuna crap in elementary school.

I started chewing, it really was delicious. This would be a great last meal. I continued eating sushi that just seemed to pop into my mouth a second after I swallowed. I rejected eating any more after the eighth piece. I don't think my stomach can handle anymore of this rich food.

Tormenter number one was smiling and the others were laughing about something. That food was poisoned wasn't it? Rat powder? Laxative? Or maybe that expensive plant stuff? Whatever, hopefully it's just not too painful, like melting me from the inside, deteriorating my brain, and making me twitch uncontrollably and foam at the mouth and stuff.

I looked back out of the window. This baseball thing has got to stop. But how? I don't have any power and it's too scary to just upfront quit, so I'll have to be kicked out. But why would they kick out their star entertainment?

The only benefit, if I can even call it that, is that I don't have to worry about leaving the school late if I over sleep. I've completely stopped using the clinic. I use toilet stalls, janitor closets, bushes, even the roof on Mondays, the only day the head of the D.C. isn't there. No one else goes to the roof cause they don't know about the Monday thing and tormenter number one won't come get me cause he actually attends classes and he doesn't come drag me off for practice unless I'm late. Clubs start fifteen minutes after school ends, the amount of time it takes for the D.C. to do their rounds.

I can just leave with them after school, though they do try to drag me around. So far I haven't been taken away to some random alley, but they keep getting more and more persistent. Don't know how long I can reject them before they make me go with them. Biggest problem, tormenter number one keeps trying to follow me home. He even offered to walk with me to and from school. I wouldn't be surprised if he just showed up on my door step one day. Such a creeper. For off days from practice I just leave from the usual escape routes, though I've crossed off the back road completely. Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturdays are used by the girl teams, and who knows what they'll do with me.

There's also the added bonus that I can sleep in class because sport players are worshipped for some reason in this school by everyone, including the teachers. No scratch that, good sport players are worshiped, everyone else is just tolerated. The teachers just glare silently at me now, hard enough that I can feel it in my sleep. Since I haven't played in any games yet to show the school population just how much I suck, there's no reason for them to hate me, besides me just being me.

But really, these things aren't worth all the extra baggage they come with. Especially since leaving and sleeping during school hours weren't much of a problem for me in the first place.

"Tsunayoshi-san, hello~"

I turn again from the window. Tormenter number one was waving his hand in front of my face. He dropped it, smile on his face.

"I was just asking if you wanted to come with me after school to my place, my dad runs the sushi restaurant down town."

…Sushi? He means more of that delicious sushi?

"We can eat there for dinner, don't worry about paying."

And I don't have to pay? Unbelievable. So unbelievable that I don't believe it. But that sushi… Damn, I can't believe how easily bought I am.

I nod, slowly, still unsure about just walking right into this trap.

His smile became full blown, eyes closed, teeth showing and everything.

"Great!"

…Why would he be so happy about this? Ugh. He's a creep and a sadist. A creepy sadistic fake smiley faced bastard.


	15. Chapter 15

Smiling Equals... Chapter 16

/

Fuck. I am such an idiot. No wait, I actually knew this would happen so I'm not an idiot this time, just a fool. Only a fool would walk into a trap they were fully aware of and had the option of avoiding. Ah screw it. I won't even bother freaking out about it this time. Maybe later when I'm actually out of this situation and safe in my own house grieving about it on the couch. That comfortable, comfortable couch. Sigh. I miss it already. Though it's a bit early to feeling sentimental when I've only been here for like what, five minutes?

I was in enemy territory, which was everything beyond my room. The rest of the house could burn up in flames for all I care. I haven't been hurt even once so far in that room, and I want t o keep it that way. But to be more specific, I was sitting on the enemy's bed spread, which was on his bed, which was in his room… Yeah, I'm in deep shit. Somehow during the very slow and agonizing and mentally traumatizing walk to hell the second, all the other tormenters had split up, leaving me alone with this guy. I didn't really see a way to escape with his hand on my shoulder the whole time.

We finally made it to the fish restaurant, TakeSushi, that I had somewhat doubted existed, and I foolishly felt relieve. I can't believe I even thought for a second that I could just eat some sushi as fast I can then bail. Sigh. Stupid, stupid Tsuna.

Of course he did the evil thing and took me around the actual restaurant to the big dark alley way behind it and whatever kind of store they had next door. The surprise was that he took out a key, proof that he did have some right to be in the building, and pulled me in. I did resist a little, to his amusement. He called out an I'm home and a welcome back was yelled from the front in return. Then me, being so sure that this was the part where he would carry me off to his secret basement dungeon where he'd chain me up and fulfill all his sick sadistic fantasies out on me, was surprised when he had lugged me upstairs, not down. I had a tight grip on the banister for a good minute before I was yanked off it. The bastard just laughed.

One bumpy ride up the stairs, across a hallway, and through a door and here I am. On a bed and tormenter number one sitting, thankfully, a far away distance in front of the, unthankfully, door. When we had made it into the room he dropped me off on the bed, pulled up his chair from his cluttered desk and sat his ass right in front of the door. The only other exit was the window and I wasn't that desperate yet.

"Neh Tsunayoshi-san, you have some nickname for me right? Like evil guy one or boss bully, maybe even smiley freak?"

I flinched. Holy shit. He can read minds?!

He sighed, rubbing his hand on the back of his head. Looking for once, upset, instead of his usual all time happy self.

"You must've forgotten my name as soon as I said it didn't you?"

Damn, he's been reading my mind since the beginning?

He laughed a bit.

"No Tsunayoshi-san, I'm not reading your mind. You're just… obvious I guess."He turned away slightly, his eyes facing one of the many trophies that littered the room.

After a moment of silence he faced back to me, smile on his face. Not one of his, I'm happy and the whole world gotta know it smiles.

"My name is Yamamoto Takeshi and I hope you can just think of me as Takeshi. I... I want us to be friends."

I shot up immediately. This was bad! Like the world is gonna end bad! My heart was pounding and I knew I had to get out of here now! I took two large steps, my hands reaching out for the window sill. I tried my damn best to ignore the much louder and mush faster thuds behind me as I instantly moved to yank up the window, my body already tensed for the jump.

Shit. It was locked.

He had me cornered.

"Tsuna," My body flinched again, "I'm not going to hurt you."

His arms were on both sides of my head, his large hands fisted on the widow. When he spoke I felt his breath on my neck.

It was silent again.

"…Tsuna, turn around."

…

"Please."

I exhaled shakily. I really don't have a choice do I? I turned around slowly, seeing the full length of his arm, his tanned skin and unfair amount of easily noticed muscle. During the rotation I took a step back so my back would be pressed up on the glass. Maybe if I push hard enough the glass would break and I'd fall out of the window, and hopefully into a coma.

I didn't look up to see his face. It wasn't that hard considering he was so much taller than me.

"Tsuna," But he's still really close, "I'm sorry."

…Eh?

He backed away a safe breathing distance away from me. His body was still blocking the door.

"I didn't mean to scare you like that. I should have waited longer, for you to get comfortable with me. But I panicked. It seemed like each day you were hating me more and more. I still shouldn't have rushed it though."

Wha? What the hell is he talking about? He shouldn't have rushed this trap? He should have waited until I actually trusted him, at least a little bit, so that the second he offered friendship I would be his perfect little puppet willing to do anything he said for even chance of a friendship?! A smile?! That, that bastard! Who the hell goes that far-

"Tsuna!" I inhaled sharply, startled by the loudness of his voice. "I'm not tricking you for some over complicated evil scheme. I just want to be your friend, your best friend! Someone who you can trust and you enjoy spending time together with! Someone who you aren't afraid to actually speak to! Someone who you want to have your back and protect you! Your friend!" His breathing was heavy, taking in a big breath and calming himself down he continued.

"I've always wanted to be your friend, and then, for you to be mine. Tsuna, it'll take a while, I know that, for this to happen, but I want you to stop rejecting it at the very least. For you to actually see me as I am and not something else. There's… actually a lot I want to say to you, but I just can't right now, I know you wouldn't handle it well. But at least this much, please, can you at least except this much?"

…This is scary.

I don't understand this.

What is he saying? I don't get it?

Friend? What's that? He wants me to speak to him?

No way. I can't do that.

It's impossible.

Right?

Totally impossible. Not even worth considering.

I can't believe in him or what he saying. It's all lies. He's lying to me. He wants to hurt me.

He. Is. Lying.

"Tsuna," I looked up at him. Him… I can see him. Spiky… short black hair. Serious brown eyes. Sharp jaw line. Straight nose. Eyebrows that arch at the end. Thin lip, set in a frown.

"You don't have to trust me, not now, I won't ask that much from you. Just look at me, see me with your own eyes for once instead of filling in all the blanks in your head."

It's impossible.

"Please."

I was crying. The tears felt hot, just falling down my face.

Sh-shit. This can't be real. Stuff like this don't just happen. Not to me.

"Tsuna."

My body shook harshly, convulsing and caving in on itself. My hands crossed each other against my chest and my nails were digging into opposite arms. My knees became weak.

"Tsuna!"

I fell. He caught me.

All pretense to remain silent evaporated and my sobs broke out. They were loud and heaving. I hacked a bit and snot just wouldn't stop dripping from my nose.

I don't want this.

This was ugly crying. Not the beautiful crying that I saw that actress do on TV the time dad came home for Valentine's day and he played that movie for mom. Or how mom cried the next night when he left.

It was painful. Like something was being pulled out of me and it was taking my guts out with it.

I stuttered.

"I-i-i-imp-oss-ible!"

And,

"C-cahnt!"

And,

"Wh-hah-why!"

It hurt.

I balled myself up, and he followed me in my every move until finally we were both sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around me.

It hurts so much.

His hand was rubbing small circles on my back and even though my entire body was in pain I could feel it so clearly.

I couldn't control what was happening to me. I couldn't hold my breath or open my eyes. My voice became more harsher and my chest was forcing out the sobs through all the pain. My body would shake and twitch awkwardly and my skin felt like it was on fire. Like I was transforming into something disgusting.

And through it all I kept babbling nonsense.

"Hu-urts!"

And,

"Nn-Noh moar!"

Why am I talking to him of all people.

He's my tormenter.

Another person who enjoys to see me in pain.

Someone who had so easily ignored my existence.

The second person in my life to tell me to me to believe in them.

I stopped talking and just cried.

I didn't want to stop.

I don't want know what will happen next.

I just want time to freeze right here so there never is a what happens next.

I don't want it.

I started crying harder.

The hand never stopped and the pressure he gave my body from his… hug, was… comfortable. I don't know how much time passed. Of course I don't know. I was deaf and blind the whole time. It's not like my head just knows what time it is. But sooner or later the sobbing became less and less frequent.

I didn't want it to stop, but it hurt too much to keep going.

By the time I was hiccupping the door opened.

"Take- oh." I didn't know this voice and my body tensed.

The hand on my back became more insistent.

"Ah, sorry dad, could you wait a bit? We'll be down for dinner in a sec."

"Yeah, of course."

I heard the door close. I tried to stay absolutely still long enough so I could hear the footstep go away.

"Tsuna," He pulled me more into his body. When did I untangle from the ball position and wrap my arms around him? "Are you okay?"

I shook my head no. Of course I'm not okay, dumb ass.

"Do you feel better?"

… I nodded.

"Haha, that's great."


	16. Chapter 16

Smiling Equals... Chapter 17

/

"Hahaha! Your friend sure is the mighty eater!"

"Yep!"

Damn, I wish they'd shut up.

It's like they're a sucky comedy duo or something. How can they just laugh all the time like that. And how can they just act normal, for them at least, when they both know what had just happened a few minutes ago. They're just gonna ignore it? Ah screw it, I just need to think about the sushi.

The chopsticks were hard to grasp, my hands were still shaking. But I still made my best effort. I sure as hell am gonna eat this sushi but I'm just not gonna do it with them feeding me. I deserve at least a little relief from all the emotional and mental abuse I've been receiving lately.


End file.
